Wednesday, January 11, 2017

My World's Not Falling Apart, It's Falling into Place

Falling flat on my face again and again in a two month period directly following the birth of our 5th child in a new town away from friends and family felt like more than I could bare- in fact it was.  My world as I knew it fell a part. My health fell a part and I was not able to do for myself or my family. At first it was a flu like fever virus that started the day after giving birth.  Then it was a severe uterine infection.  Then it was strep throat. Then it was allergies that got stuck in my sinuses and caused my ear drum to rupture.  Illness would not let up.  It just kept coming.  My children also became ill during this time- many sicker than they have ever been before. Some had strep and RSV and croup at the same time.  Even the baby got RSV,  but his case ended up being so extremely mild.  To say it was crazy is an understatement.  I remember lying in the bed many a mornings after waking not wanting to get out of bed because I did not want to face the day. I was utterly exhausted and it felt like the intensity would never let up.
The question I asked God time and time again is what am I suppose to learn through this.  What in the world are you doing? I also spoke very honestly begging him to ease the intensity of these trials yet he kept saying no as those trials kept coming. After weeks and weeks of praying the same prayer, my perspective started to change from despair into gratitude: "Thank you that I am simply dealing with sickness.  Thank you that I have children I get to take care of.   Thank you that I have a husband that is bearing the heavy burden of a job, ordination, and taking on most if not all of my responsibilities." 
Not only did my despair change into gratitude, but I also began to see how so many things in my life were out of order.  You want to know what is most important in your life? Look at your check book or credit card report. Where you spend your money is where your heart is.  Natural medicine, herbs, whole foods, essential oils is where I spend my money.  Without realizing it, slowly over time I began to believe that I could control my destiny- that I could actually fully control my health through a whole foods diet, rest, exercise, supplements, herbs, etc. While I may not have said it out loud, I thought I knew so much.  And then this perfectly healthy woman had to take 6 rounds of potent antibiotics in one short month due to a severe uterine infection and strep throat. It was through these trials that I began to repent and see the idol health had become for me.  I began to ask the Lord to put my interests of healthy living in the right place and to forgive me for thinking I could control so many things I quite frankly cannot.  I also thanked him for antibiotics as without them I would have lost my uterus or worse my life if the infection went untreated.  
As I spent many of these weeks on modified bed rest, I had ample time to think. I began to see how overwhelmed I was with my life and as a result how much time I wasted by checking out on social media or texting.  I began to see my little toddler girls take their fake cell phone with them everywhere- that was my wake up call. Monkey see.  Monkey do.  I also saw that I seemed to have an answer for everything.  I talk more than I listen.  Now, I am praying that I will listen more than I ever speak and that I will say "I do not know" way more.
While I was down, my husband began to make order out of chaos.  He made chore charts for the kids so that my load is eased and the kids develop even more by being given age appropriate responsibility.  He made schedules for the day- set outdoor time, set chore time, set reading time, set school work time, etc. He took on the responsibility of cooking a hot breakfast every morning so that I could get some personal time and not hit the ground running. He helped me set a schedule to my day and taught me to make lists instead of keeping everything in my head.  My husband's dying to self is producing life in me.
Looking back on late October through mid December,  my world was not falling apart, it was truly falling into place like the song "Held " describes by Casting Crowns. Many things were out of order in my life that I was completely blind to and it was only through being knocked flat on my face that I was able to see it.
As I look back on this season, I truly feel gratitude that the intensity has let up and we are healthy, but more importantly than that, I feel gratitude for all the Lord taught me.

No comments:

Post a Comment