Though He Slay Me, Yet I Will Trust HIm

I am facing inevitable corrective surgery, most likely on Monday morning unless we decide to postpone it, after giving birth to our sweet little girl who was quite large weighing in at 9 lbs 5 oz a week prior.  We have researched; we have exhausted all natural methods of healing; we have talked to those we respect; and it truly seems there is no other way around surgery if I want to get out of my bed that I have been in for almost a week now and fulfill my main roles as mama to four and wife to my husband.  I don’t want to go through with surgery.  Being put under is terrifying to me.  I have cried buckets of tears; I have thrown tantrums.  I specifically don’t want more pain in the short term while I am also healing from childbirth and dealing with sleep deprivation due to a baby who sleeps little at night, as well as adjusting to nursing, but I am choosing right now to trust in God’s sovereignty, goodness, and timing.  This choice will have to be a nanosecond by nanosecond choice.  I cannot get out of this trial.  As a dear friend and mentor told me today, I will have to eat this elephant one bight at a time. Would you pray we would have peace about the timing of surgery, etc. and that we would know with complete confidence if this truly is the path we are to take?  

Though I do not know His reasons for allowing this trial, I love this quote by John Piper that both my sister in law and close friend shared with me: “"Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen...don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."

God continues to knead into my soul that He is in control and loves me far more than I can imagine as He knocks down idol after idol.   I continue to be reminded through circumstances that the Christian life is not a calculated life like I so desire.  This life is hard, but the life to come will be so GREAT.  The Christian life is truly a moment by moment walk with a loving father.  Our children do not always understand why we make certain decisions, but we long for them to trust that we love them and have their best interests in mind.  The same is true of God. 

I can plan, and I can do everything “right” and things may still not work out the way I want them to.  God is after my heart and he will do anything to pursue me and rid me of things I turn to a part from him.  Looking back on the last six years and some of the recent trials he brought us through, I see how the following trials were perfectly catered to me and our family, catered out of God’s love and pursuit of us even though at the time they were dark and dreary and we may never fully understand them this side of heaven. 

We always wanted a big family, and sadly, we lost our first child through miscarriage forcing us to surrender our desire to have children and trust God through that time.  When I was pregnant with our second son, he became sick in the womb, and we once more had to surrender the pregnancy to God and trust him in the darkness.  God ended up healing him miraculously in the womb baffling doctors, and we rejoiced greatly, but that trial reminded us once more we are to live a life of blind trust and surrender.  We had an investment property along with our home.  We put 20% down on both and invested money in them fixing them up, etc.  The economy tanked especially where these houses were located resulting in both of them loosing well over half their values.  Thankfully, we were able to short sale them, but our earthly security was taken to a large extent.  We have sense learned that He is our provider not we ourselves and that what He has chosen to give us in this moment is all we need.  Our possession, our health, our jobs, etc. can all be taken away, but He remains.  Soon after moving a few years ago, a lot of our possessions were ruined in a freak flood due to extensive rain.  Again, we were reminded that these are just things and there are no guarantees in this world.  This summer we moved, and I was afraid we would not get many meals so I planned.  I made freezer meal after freezer meal.  I was set.  I would not need anyone.   Soon after my freezer meals were completed, we discovered the freezer lost power and all my meals were lost.  A week after that, we discovered that items we stored in a shed were covered in mold- some of our precious possessions.  Now I am completely unable to do my duties such as care for my family, cook, etc. and people are coming out of the woodwork to help carry our burden.  They are being the hands and feet of Christ in ways I never could have anticipated. 

 This passage is particularly special to me right now.  Psalm 23 says “He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters.  He restores my soul.”  What God is doing now is leading me beside green pastures even though at times I feel abandoned and quite frankly these pastures feel anything but green.  I choose to believe that this trial is a green pasture where he is at work on my soul.  He is pursing me even though it feels like He is nowhere near.  He wants to restore me.  I am so eager to be on the other side of this trial, out of pain and fully recovered, but this moment I am choosing to rest in Him not researching on the internet, not trying to figure it out or how things will work out as I recover.  I choose joy right now.   When I am finished writing, I will blast some praise music and thank him not because I feel thankful, but because I am called to thank Him in all things trusting that He is good and will use this for His glory.  Would you pray for our family?  Would you pray for the doctor to work accurately and carefully and that his work would be minimal....won't know extent of issues until surgery is performed. Would you pray for my recovery?  Would you pray for our sweet little one and nursing?  Thankfully, I can resume nursing right after surgery, I just will feel really lousy and will have to push through the pain.  Would you pray for continued health for us as we are so run down from lack of sleep, etc. Thanks for walking beside us.