Wednesday, September 7, 2016

My Jumbled Up Heart Fully Known and Loved

So I sit here again being forced to look at my sin, my expectations both good and false, my hopes, my reality, and bring them before You for You to shed light on all these things so that I may possess understanding in dealing with my own heart and grace in the present situation.  The verse that strikes me is 1 Peter 5:6-7: "Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand so that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  Visually picturing this verse, I imagine myself as a fisherman taking a rod and placing all these many anxious thoughts on the hook and casting them out far from me to the Lord.  Thus, I must choose continually even as often as second by second to let my worries go and give them to the one that can handle them. 
Truth be told, all I see is a jumbled mess right now that wants to prove myself right as well as hold onto the old and not embrace the new. 
Lord, I want so desperately to handle this situation the way you teach us to in Ephesians 4:2-3 where it says to be humble and gentle and bearing with each other in love making EVERY effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  And then in Ecclesiastes I am reminded that the end of the matter is better than the beginning and patience of spirit way better than haughtiness of spirit.  Lord, would you grant me these things?  Would you help me not put my trust in circumstances, knowledge, people, my illusion of control, but instead put my trust fully in you?  Would you help me believe that you are sovereign over all my circumstances and that nothing is out of your control? Would you help me rest?
Thank you that you fully know me, fully care for me, and fully love me right now as I am struggling.  Thank you that you are just as pleased with me when I struggle as you are in those rare moments when I think I am getting it right- for the Bible states clearly that even my best deeds are like filthy rags.  Nothing this side of heaven is void of sin's tainting.  Thank you that you promise to make my paths straight in Proverbs 3:6 and that in Isaiah 30:21 you remind me that you direct my steps as I take them. 

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