What If This Trial is a Mercy in Disguise?

It has become abundantly clear to me that this trial is way bigger than getting my hand fixed.  The dark corners of my heart are being exposed.  As light is shed on these areas of bondage, bouts of anger, doubt, and fear have threatened to consume me.    But consume me they have not! 

Areas of trauma that I want to keep locked up, God seems adamant I be freed of.  And o, how gracious is He in his freeing.  The stories I could tell of his provisions in just the past 10 days are endless.  Appointments being had that shouldn't have been due to extremely long wait times or no availability.  Kindness from nurses and doctors in the midst of my fear and lack of trust.  A patient husband who has seen it all from me- the good and the terribly ugly,- yet loves me anyway.  A loving church that has fed us the most delicious meals and taken care of my kiddos.  Friends who have pursued and listened and taken care of my hair and even that of my young children's. 

Anesthesiology is terrifying to me due to an epidural injury over 13 years ago.  What God did in my terror, fury, and anger in anticipation of going under that arose from utter paralyizing fear is extravagant love.   A  kind christian man that just so happens to be an anesthesiologist and his wife bought a casserole from my eldest son who has recently started a fundraising casserole business.  This man listened and talked me through all my zillion questions, helped Chad and I make a plan, and somehow worked it out to take my case. He will be with me in surgery.  This is a kindness of God too great to phantom.   This past trauma I experienced is being redeemed by a loving father.   

So now I submit myself to surgery and all that comes with it knowing how deep the father's love for me is.  There is no lenght he will not go to set us free! 

I wear the shirt I was injured in knowing it is also the shirt I am being healed in both internally and externally.