As I lay in my bed with tears flowing most days following Feb 19, 2022, I had endless time to think. Hymns played. I muttered short terribly raw and honest prayers. Brave people came and sat with me in my broken state. I eventually came to the conclusion I was stuck. The fruit I was producing was sour. Every doctor's visit produced panic; I interpreted medical suggestions with a warning sign reading DANGER....FLEE. I had zero trust in traditional medicine and there was no hiding that. Fear had taken me by the helm. I didn't want to overthink everything. I didn't want to respond with fear and anger, but my reactions were absolutely automatic.
When certain traumatic events occured in my past, instead of acknowledging them, processing them, inviting community into them, grieving them, I isolated, stuffed, and downplayed them which ensured these events would haunt me in my future. Indeed they did.
It has taken years to unpack traumas holding me captive and God has provided wise counselors to take me by the hand to gently enter these dark caves in my life that have seen no light. Spelunking is not nearly as scary when there is a trained guide to take me in and out. God is light and in Him there is no darkness and He deeply wants to shine His light into all places especially those we hide away. God, in his mercy, comes for us in ALL the dark places to set us free.
Through spelunking into these caves of mine, I have begun to learn the power of sadness and that it is the only emotion that propels us forward toward healing & acceptance. Instead of running to my go to responses of anger and control, I am learning to embrace sadness. What does that look like? For one, as I looked back on the traumatic event of the epidural injury that I had stuffed many years prior to my finger accident, I embraced my limits- the fact that I don't know all things. I didn't know how to prevent the needed epidural due to my labor going 36 hours or how to spot the anesthesiologist overdosing me and inserting it wrongly. I grieved the time that injury took away from enjoying my first baby.
Everything is broken and even good things meant to do good can and do sometimes cause harm. We live in a fallen world. I don't know how but somehow as I looked back on painful memories with safe people, embraced my humanity and my limits, grieved events, and the fact that I cannot protect myself or loved ones from all harm due to living in a fallen world, I moved toward acceptance and healing.
A traumatic event does not have to become lodged in the brain as trauma. One of the ways a traumatic event is not lodged in the brain as trauma is to invite safe community into it, processing it, and in a sense letting Jesus and others be WITH US in whatever horrors life throws at us.
What does it mean to be WITH someone? The way I have experienced this on a human level is someone simply sitting with me in whatever state I am in, raw and unpolished- the side of me I naturally want to hide. This person sits with no initial agenda other than seeking to understand by listening & asking questions. The way I have experienced the power of this on a spiritual level is me getting alone in a quiet place telling Jesus everything either outloud or in writing and then letting hymns and scripture wash over me. The key for me is getting it out (talking it out or writing it out, not thinking it out). I love how Jesus tells us in John 16:33 that in this world we will have trouble, but to take heart because he has overcome the world. He is WITH us. The word "WITH" appears in the bible thousands of times. 'With' is a powerful word and embodies what we are called to in this christian life.
The enemy wants us to hide just like Adam and Eve did in the garden, but the beautiful thing is God came for Adam and Eve in the garden and He comes for you and me today. We don't have to hide anymore!
To close, pictured here is my fabulous occupational therapist and I about to ring the bell signifying my hand journey was over on 10/31/22. My finger and dominant hand are back to fully functioning! My finger remains permanently bent but it sure tells a fabulous story! In the second picture, Chad and I are celebrating after a clear scan November 2023. My heart is normal size and no abnormalities are seen. The virus on my heart is no longer there!
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