I do this often. I ride the waves. The what ifs, the mess, and the processes of life sometime scream so loudly I cannot even find my baring. I so easily become undone at anything that threatens my security, my comfort, my pride, or my rightness. I loose my peace and become a frantic mess which causes me to become extremely irritable and run to tasks. I especially love tasks when I am anxious or life is hard. I become like a machine because it is easy. It numbs me. My tasks don't talk and don't need anything. I can control them, and I can be productive producing an impressive product. In my before kid days, this looked like a spectacular spotless home and a well kept body both fashion wise and fitness wise. My husband would joke when he walked into a perfectly detailed home that I must have had a bad day. A story we laugh at now concerns a time when our oldest was a wee baby and I was only five weeks postpartum. It perfectly illustrates how I chose to ride the wave that night. Our oldest refused to sleep long stretches as he was colicky- not his fault at all- but I had had it that night. I was a sleep deprived mess who wanted so badly to control something I could not control, so I ran to exercise. I put him in his crib and ran out the front door shoeless as fast as I could so my husband could not convince me to stay. I ran all the way around the neighborhood. Mind you I had just had an epidural injury and could not walk well at this point pre therapy- one leg would fall behind the other in stride, so this was a crazy venture of mine. Thankfully, this occurred at night when most people were sleeping otherwise they might have thought I'd lost my mind! I should have run to quietness and the scriptures or sat down with my husband to vent or tea with a friend; however, that was not the route I chose. Through my moment by moment choices and actions, I insisted that I could do it. While this story is laughable, riding the waves was my normal and still will be if I don't make a moment by moment choice.
Being in Christian circles, I am o so familiar with the lines and have said them all frequently even....you need to fill your mind with scripture....denounce the lies....believe the truth. Those are all great phrases, but what the heck does that look like practically? I am a kinesthetic learner. Telling me does not work! You have to show me authentic living!
It was not until just recently while reading Kara Tippitt's blog Mundane Faithfulness that the penny finally dropped for me. I finally saw a picture painted of someone making a moment by moment choice not to ride the waves. She had every reason to have a meltdown or stay angry or throw in the towel. She was dying- her very life being stripped from her in her late 30's. She had a wonderful husband and four young kids, yet she chose to say no to those waves. Did she do this perfectly? No, but more times that not, she made a choice- a hard choice- not to ride them. Did she become undone? Of course, she did; but she fought not to let circumstances, the what ifs, etc. define her moments. She fought for peace by asking for others to pray for her in her hardest moments. She ran to scripture and sat there as long as it took. She met with God each morning walking when she was able and meditating. Through her moment by moment faithfulness and quick repentance, God used Kara to teach many about fighting for peace, living in community, and living with kindness. I am just one of the many she impacted and I never even met her. Through her posts, I have had so many 'ah ha' moments. The word gratitude does not do justice to my thankfulness for the way she lived her life- vulnerable and open.
So what does choosing to rest look like- not riding those waves? I must first recognize it, then stop and ask God to show me truth. I must make a choice NOT to run to tasks or blogs or social media. If I cannot regain my peace, I must ask my husband or friends to pray for me. This can look like a quick phone call or email or message of authentic rawness. I must run to the Bible and fill my mind with scriptures pertaining to the issue stealing my joy and then read that scripture 1,000 times if needed for as many days or years the issue comes up- whatever it takes until the truth replaces the lie(s). When I choose not to deal with whatever is seeking to undo me, havoc is wreaked as I end up hurting others through impatience, unkind words, etc. Stuffing never works. Hurt people truly hurt people. I am thankful that God has pealed off another layer of the onion in my life and know that He will bring His work to completion. By God's grace I will say more times that not, "No, I won't ride that wave!" and when I don't, I pray I will repent quickly.
Ephesians 4:14-15 speaks well to this issue. "Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."
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