She Did Not Get The Memo

Watching a child struggle to do something I do so naturally is hard. 

Our oldest children picked up language and talked naturally without me even trying to elicit words from them.  When our third child was saying only a couple words at 18 months, my mama alarm went off.   We set a time limit to see if she would progress on her own, and if not, we would seek outside help.  By age two there seemed to be little to no progress, so outside help we sought.  We talked with the pediatrician and decided to pursue speech therapy soon after her 2nd birthday if there were no improvements.  Our state has a program open for all under the age of three that is not income based that helps children be paired with specific services pertaining to his/her developmental delay.  We saw this program as God's provision for us.  Their standard is to screen a child seeking services in all areas to see if further testing is needed.  She passed all with the exception of speech.  They discovered totally normal receptive language, but extremely delayed expressive language.

Through this state program, she received private speech therapy in our home once a week as well as a meeting once a week with her early interventionist.  She has been in this program for 9 months and has gone from extremely delayed to moderately delayed and we rejoice.  We have seen such marked improvement.  Our child is forming words and combining words.  She has come far, but still has far to go.  In less than two weeks, she ages out of this program. 

Recently, I had a meeting with Childfind.  They make sure children receive help in whatever area they are lacking through the public school system.  Here, the meeting focused on my child's brokenness, not her progress and not her story.  That was the purpose- her delay.  I should have known that.  Nonetheless, this meeting was hard for many reasons. 

You see I had hoped and prayed that this chapter of her life would be short-lived and over by age 3.  God did not answer that prayer 'yes' as I hoped and asked.

Now, I am left once more with questions.  Do we go the public route where we don't pay?  Is this God's provision for her?  Do we go the private route and pay out of pocket since our insurance does not cover developmental delays?  What if she is able to get all she needs through the public route?  Are we making a mountain out of a mole hill?

I feel overwhelmed with figuring this out and quickly forget that my primary job is to pray as acting right now would be foolish as I truly can say I don't know what is best.  In my heart of hearts, I want so badly for God to provide for the private route so she can stay with her current teacher we love, but this is expensive.  I am asking God to lead us and provide what he sees best.  I am thankful I have a husband that also prays and seeks what is best and balances me out well. 

As my thoughts race this afternoon, and I am tempted to ponder every 'what if' that comes to my mind and ultimately figure this out on my own, I am drawn to Isaiah 30:15: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."  I am also drawn to a favorite passage of mine since I first heard it in my high school days- Psalm 39.  This psalm is ultimately a complaint of an individual who has called on God to eradicate his invalid charges and destroy his enemies.  The psalmist first focuses on the character of God before uttering his plea at the end.  I related to the psalmist because he is writing at a place of distress.  To say he is struggling is an understatement.  The psalmist explores God's deep wisdom to comfort himself.  He evidences God's sovereignty over and over. 

As I personally reflect on this passage, I am drawn to the fact that God is all knowing and knows his creation intimately and completely.  My thoughts are not private- he knows them before I speak them.  Thus, even when I cannot articulate my questions and my thoughts- He knows them and gets me....what comfort that brings!  He sets limits to my actions as evidenced in verse 5.  I cannot sabotage something he has ordained.  He has laid his hand upon me and guides me.  I do not act alone! He is present throughout all creation- nowhere can I go without him also there.  Wherever I am, he will guide me.  He intimately made me in my mother's womb.  He wove me...he wove you- sit back and picture God weaving you!  This is not a passive role! And he calls his creation wonderful!  All life is wonderful despite what anyone else says.  This is truth.  He also ordained all my days and yours- nothing happens by accident.  What comfort these words are.  This is truth, my friend.  This is truth.

So for now, I will pray and ask him to bring wise counselors and lead us as a couple together.  I will not focus on the lies that scream I should have done this and that and then I would not even be in this boat.  God's got this.  I don't have to figure it out.  As for our daughter, I should take lesson from her as she did not get the memo that says 'expressive language delay'.  She is too young to understand that label.  She simply goes about life playing and trusting us (well most of the time- she has a will like an ox!) to give her what she needs since we are her parents.  I want to have that childlike faith in God as I encounter challenges knowing he will ultimately lead us and direct us as his word says.