You Unravel Me With a Melody

Words are lacking to describe the last three months.  My experience is nothing new to humanity as suffering is part of the human condition, but nonetheless, this is my story.  To the depths I descended and to the hills I then rose.  

Simultaneously, I was struck on that fateful evening of February 19th.  My dominant right hand was significantly injured needing surgery 10 days later and a heart condition was discovered in that ER only because of my hand injury.  

Anger spewed.  Despair abounded.  Tears didn't stop. Blow after blow came.  I couldn't function.  Sleep was little if any.  My appetite dissipated. My health worsened. To say I became a wreck is an understatement.  Perfectly healthy to multiple diagnoses all at once.  I was undone.  

The redone hymn "He Will Hold Me Fast" originally written roughly 100 years ago became my song through these trials. I played it often on repeat when I couldn't pray.  I found immeasurable comfort that Christ is the one who holds onto me and nothing can snatch me out of His hands. No doubt. No running. No despair. No unexplained happenings that shake me to my knees.  He's got me.  He won't let me go even when I kick and scream and try to escape.  Like a good Father, He is with me and His eyes are ever on me.  

It was through experiencing all these very raw emotions and descending to the pit that God met me. In that pit, darkness abounded and it was hard to find my way.  Yet , God was there.  He was with me.  In that dark place, deep truths were kneaded into every bone and joint of my body resulting in nuggets of wisdom.  Idols were crushed.  Faith and trust grew exponentially. Perspective was gained.    

In that pit, God saw to it that my every need and many wants were abundantly met.  Nothing was necessarily coordinated, just God moving His people and even unbelievers to act on my behalf.  In fact, God's lavish love through people was so clearly demonstrated to me that I couldn't help but see and say out loud over and over to myself, "I truly am the daughter of the king.  Look at his lavish love!" God was NOT absent.  He was EVER present fully at work making something beautiful out of all the ugly hard and things I would NEVER choose. 

God became my refuge in the night.  When wave after wave came, He picked me up.  Eventually, I noticed an inner strength developing just as the scriptures promise.  The waves kept coming at the same speed but I didn't always end up with my face in the sand.  "Not only so, but we glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."  I have no control over the suffering part, how long or how much comes my way, but I can rejoice that the suffering will produce steadfastness and steadfastness will produce hope! Guaranteed.  Romans 5:3-5 tells us that clearly! Praise God! 

I recently read a quote by an unknown author: "I truly believe that every person has to go through something that absolutely destroys them so they can figure out who they really are."  Suffering has the ability to do something outlandishly beautiful in us.  For the Christians suffering is not for naught.  Our suffering has much purpose! Elisabeth Elliot says it so well:" What a joy it is to obey the Lord, who provides us with His Spirit to counsel and empower us and who ensures that everything that happens to us, even the cyclone that brings nothing but destruction, has come through the hedge of His love before it reaches us."

Though He unraveled me, my unraveling was done with a melody.  I just couldn't hear it at first.  Now that melody is loud and clear, at least for today,  and I rejoice! 

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My heart was likely attacked by a common virus that triggured part of it enlarging and then wonky electrical stuff as a result.  Currently being treated and stable.  Praise God! I will know more once images, etc. are done in a few months.  My hand is out of the splint and slowly regaining use.  Hope has always been to regain 80% of its use back when all is said and done as that is the most the doctor could hope for. 

What If This Trial is a Mercy in Disguise?

It has become abundantly clear to me that this trial is way bigger than getting my hand fixed.  The dark corners of my heart are being exposed.  As light is shed on these areas of bondage, bouts of anger, doubt, and fear have threatened to consume me.    But consume me they have not! 

Areas of trauma that I want to keep locked up, God seems adamant I be freed of.  And o, how gracious is He in his freeing.  The stories I could tell of his provisions in just the past 10 days are endless.  Appointments being had that shouldn't have been due to extremely long wait times or no availability.  Kindness from nurses and doctors in the midst of my fear and lack of trust.  A patient husband who has seen it all from me- the good and the terribly ugly,- yet loves me anyway.  A loving church that has fed us the most delicious meals and taken care of my kiddos.  Friends who have pursued and listened and taken care of my hair and even that of my young children's. 

Anesthesiology is terrifying to me due to an epidural injury over 13 years ago.  What God did in my terror, fury, and anger in anticipation of going under that arose from utter paralyizing fear is extravagant love.   A  kind christian man that just so happens to be an anesthesiologist and his wife bought a casserole from my eldest son who has recently started a fundraising casserole business.  This man listened and talked me through all my zillion questions, helped Chad and I make a plan, and somehow worked it out to take my case. He will be with me in surgery.  This is a kindness of God too great to phantom.   This past trauma I experienced is being redeemed by a loving father.   

So now I submit myself to surgery and all that comes with it knowing how deep the father's love for me is.  There is no lenght he will not go to set us free! 

I wear the shirt I was injured in knowing it is also the shirt I am being healed in both internally and externally. 

It Took A Bowl To Get My Attention

It took a bowl to get my attention. 

I am a doer by nature and love nothing more than checking items off my list.  Frantic and hurry are my normal. The tyranny of the urgency rules often. I often sacrifice important things in order to react to urgent things. My greatest pitfall is letting the urgent crowd out the important, and sadly, I fall into that trap often in life.  Yet, in the midst of my repetitive struggle, I see God's kindness and pursuit and help especially in recent days.   

My bowl, my favorite white ceramic salad bowl along with a quiche dish, decided together to plummet from the top cabinet and crash into a zillion pieces onto my kitchen counter Saturday evening while my eldest and I were cooking taking me out with it.  A shattered piece somehow managed to sever an artery in my dominant index finger and cut my tendons in that same finger as well as affect my other fingers a bit too since everything is so interconnected.   My life came to a grinding halt.  

Part of my story is medical trauma.  Hospitals are scary places for many and I am no different. As I stumbled to the kitchen sink that Saturday evening to reach for a towel to try to rig up some sort of tunicate, I schemed to avoid the ER.  In the end, my scheming did not work as my injury was too complicated and severe for urgent care and they sent us on.  In between my dizziness from loss of blood, terror filled me. Horror stories filled my mind and I forgot that God is everywhere and directing my path in this fallen world.   My heart, which to my knowledge, has NEVER acted up decided to do so as evidenced by constant beeping of machines and a room full of doctors and nurses. I was treated for that and my finger tentatively fixed only to be reopened and operated on in the first week of March.  

God's grace abounded in each place and my experiences on that frightful night were a healing balm to past traumas. Tim Keller has a quote that says something to the extent of if we knew everything God knows, we would choose everything he does. Strangely that quote brought comfort. 

Here I sit now four days post injury waiting and hoping to be worked in at a doctor's office to more fully understand my medical situation so I am cleared for surgery.  With fuller knowledge each day, I wonder how this story will end.  What capacity will my right dominant hand work at again?  Do I have a heart condition or is it just a benign heart arrhythmia as now suspected after meeting with a cardialogist yesterday? Time will tell.  One thing is for sure, my pace is slowed and presence, not hurry, is what I get to practice.   

Facing a Task Unfinished

Facing a task unfinished is no easy thing.  It can not be checked off as completed.  This unfinished task beckons me when I wake and moment by moment throughout the day.  This task often interrupts my sleep, my plans, and my desires, yet it is my calling in this season.  This task exposes my shortcomings.  It teaches me my strengths.  It empties me.  It fills me.  It takes me down roads of unplanned adventures.  It brings me great joy.  It refines me and drives me to my knees. 

To raise little ones that, Lord willing, know the Father's love and on their own seek to make His name great and bless this hurting world with their unique giftings is my longing. 

Mothering well to me can easily be defined by my feelings or a standard I will never attain.  At the end of the day, did I do it well?  Well to me is unattainable.  Did I create a home of happiness?  Did I teach life skills that were honed?  Did the home stay tidy?  Did meals get cooked from scratch with many colors of the rainbow?  Were many books read?  Was creativity evoked in each budding mind?  Are my children learning the Bible?  While all these desires are good, they can easily become a chain around my neck.  When I let these standards become my measuring stick, I end short every day and my household feels like a pressure cooker.  

A few years ago, I learned another way.  I found a well worn path created by many that have gone before me.  (Excellent article here that details that point). 

After the birth of our 5th child three years ago, I came to the end of myself after the complications I experienced from that birth.  I began to realize that wisdom meant asking others whom we respected and had raised children purposely (I did not say perfectly) many questions.  What are things you did well?  What are areas you failed, and what did you learn from those failures?  How did you deal with homework?  How did you deal with screens?  How did you deal with laziness, etc?  How did you prioritize your marriage? 

I started walking in community in a new way and a weight was lifted.  God provided such sweet mentors who came unto my path as I cried out to Him for help.  Around this time I also began listening to the Seven Rivers Parenting Sermons over and over , and most recently my husband and I have spent a lot of time being trained by Connected Families - a great online grace-based parenting resource with podcasts, seminars, and coaches.  Connected families also has a book called Discipline That Connects With Your Child's Heart.  This fall I also joined Loving Moms class at our church that breaks into small groups teaching skills in mothering.    

In the recent years as I have grappled with what the desired end result of my mothering is, I have decided that mothering is primarily about raising children who are equipped to be healthy and function as adults, and for that to happen, I must abandon my independence for a season. I must empty myself so that they can thrive.  Tim Keller explains sacrifice in his book, Jesus the King, chapter 12. "When you have children, they're in a state of dependency. They have so many needs; they can't stand on their own. And they will not just grow out of their dependence automatically. The only way your children will grow beyond their dependency into self-sufficient adults is for you to essentially abandon your own independence for twenty years or so. When they are young, for example, you've got to read to them and read to them - otherwise, they won't develop intellectually. Lots of their books will be boring to you. And you have to listen to your children, and keep listening as they say all kinds of things that make for less than scintillating conversation.

And then there's dressing, bathing, feeding, and teaching them to do these things for themselves. Furthermore, children need about five affirmations for every criticism they hear from you. Unless you sacrifice much of your freedom and good bit of your time, your children will not grow up healthy and equipped to function. Unfortunately, there are plenty of parents who just won't do it. They won't disrupt their lives that much; they won't pour themselves into their children. They won't make the sacrifice. And their kids grow up physically, but they're still children emotionally - needy, vulnerable, and dependent. Think about it this way: You can make the sacrifice, or they're going to make the sacrifice. It's them or you. Either you suffer temporarily and in a redemptive way, or they're going to suffer tragically, in a wasteful and destructive way. It's at least partly up to you" (Tim Keller).  

As my body, my energies, my sanity, my resources, & my time are depleted and stretched day after day, Jesus uses this gift of mothering to force me to see all the areas I fail to love God with my whole heart and how I fail to truly love my neighbor as myself.  As I  beg the Lord for patience and forbearance and grace, he really does work it in me.  When I fail, I repent, and my home changes for the better. I really believe that there is something very powerful about seeing a person admit their faults and seek change.  

I am learning the importance of surrounding my family with others and the church- for we were created to do life with people.  As we live life in community we glean from others and new wind blows into our sails, and we in turn refresh others.  

Not only is it important to do life with others and love the church, but it is extremely important to impart a life of service to our children and that is primarily caught not taught.  Children must see us sacrificing for them and to others as we are able.  This is a favorite book - Raising World Changers in a Changing World - and provides great discussion at the dinner table about this very topic.     

Nearer my God to thee is the key to mothering.  Not my works but my rest.  The more I run to Jesus knowing that I will never do or be enough, the more my soul is at rest because Jesus is enough and he did enough and He loves my children more than I can even imagine and will help me in the daunting task of mothering.  As I embrace these principles, my task that is still quite unfinished of raising children becomes less burdensome and more joyous. 

From Shock to Peace ....Honest Pregnancy Reflections

It was a hot fall Sunday afternoon in South Georgia.  Laughter and screeches came through the walls as five littles and my husband played football in the front yard.  I was eating homemade raw cookie dough as I baked cookies for an RUF (Reformed University Fellowship) college leadership meeting later that night.  My cycle was late, but it could be explained.  For one, I recently held our 4 year old through two scary nights as she battled a nasty case of croup.  I sleep little to none.  Secondly, we had means in place to prevent a pregnancy. I chocked my late cycle to extreme fatigue and a fluke.  To put the issue completely at rest, I took a test.  Positive.  It read positive. 

Pregnancy for any woman requires submission and I am certainly no different.  In each pregnancy I have had to relinquish control and plans to God's divine providence submitting my body time and time again to all kinds of stresses and changes such as utter exhaustion, reduced capacities, morning sickness, complications, weight gain, stretch marks galore, new eating habits, back aches, and the pain of labor all for the wonderful gift of a child.  I have also had to submit to the potential of miscarriage or disability as I cannot will a healthy full term child.  In essence, pregnancy and birth pose great risks to carefully drawn out plans of life especially for a planner such as myself.   

The day we found out we were expecting our first child, we were elated and our joy was evident to all.  A confirmed pregnancy at this point in my life equated solely to pure excitement and hope.  For one, I was totally naive in believing that because I was healthy I was entitled to a healthy pregnancy.  Dreams shattered as we lost that first child and my hope was replaced with fear and anxiety regarding pregnancy and delivery. 

As pregnancy after pregnancy occurred for me, my PTSD from prior pregnancies only mounted. Each subsequent pregnancy brought some form of struggle from epidural injury requiring physical therapy to walk properly again to polyhydramanous and very sick child in the womb to bed rest after preterm labor to the itchiest rash covering my whole body called PUPPS to a severe uterine infection to painful thrombose hemorrhoids landing me on bedrest after delivery.  In each of these pregnancies, I struggled to see potential and actual complications through the lenses of the gospel.  Yet, I was reminded time and time again through watching other mothers' stories as well as my own stories unfold of His grace and goodness in the most horrific and/or challenging pregnancies and childbirths.  God is present in every moment, the hard and the beautiful.  "What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?" (Laura Story) 

Many times on this journey I tried to put God's sovereignty and providence over fertility in a box knowing good and well that He can work with means, against means, or without means to accomplish His purposes.  As I wrestled internally with many things, it became evident that I must do a lot of self reflection diving into the past traumas and fears surrounding pregnancy and delivery so that I could see truth and experience healing.  My healing did not come as I expected it to in a black/ white sort of way.  My healing came in all shades of grey.  I struggled the entire pregnancy just as I had in others with fear and anxiety yet I began to see past traumas through  different lenses and experience peace despite many unknowns.  As I looked back, I realized that God was actually with me in each of those hard places.  I began to see good that had come out of struggles and the new paths the struggles had led me down.  I saw that grace is given for each moment, not a moment earlier and not a moment too late.  Worry only robbed me of the present moment.  I relished in the goodness of God in the gift of my sweet children and the new one to come.  As this wrestling journey continued, I thought about a concept we talk about a lot in our home: God does not disperse His blessings equally, not in money, intelligence, energy, health, skill sets, and not in babies yet He is sovereign over it all and we must trust that He knows best in His dispersing of these things.   

Little man Turner was born 3 weeks ago.  Grace upon grace was truly in the season awaiting his birth and finally in that room where we met our son.  

Don't Settle for Easy Fault Finding

 Just yesterday a situation arose where I did the complete opposite of what I am writing about now.  I chose to think & believe the worst.  I chose judgement, complaint, and bitterness.  The Lord did not leave me alone in that mess, but pursued me through the literal dark of the night where sleep would not come and then once again this morning through the gift of alone time in a quiet house leading me to self awareness and then repentance.

I came across this verse in the quiet moments this morning and marinated on it as it was exactly what I needed.  "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer each person" (Colossians 4:6).

I got stuck on the salt part and spent time looking at the many uses of it.  Salt is actually a  multipurpose substance.  It can remove stains from the dirtiest objects, promote wellness, restoration, & safety, deter annoying creatures, and can even eliminate terrible odors  https://www.rd.com/home/cleaning-organizing/over-60-ways-to-use-salt/.  Imagine salt in our speech?!  The world would become a brighter place one conversation at a time.

In order for our speech to be seasoned with salt, we must speak with forbearance, gratitude, and compassion putting off our natural bent to be critical of another and putting on grace which is a work of the Holy Spirit within us.

To extend forbearance to someone we must not dissect the other person's motives by making a quick judgement about what was said or done when we feel wounded.  "He/she must have meant so and so.........I am just sure of it!"  Instead, we must always first offer the benefit of the doubt.  We have never walked the other person's shoes nor do we know what was meant behind the words spoken IF anything.

This morning it was brought to my attention the insanely high standards I have of others- expecting them to see and know all my tiredness, all my stresses, and all my circumstances while never struggling personally.  I want much grace at all times, but do not readily distribute that grace.  Bishop H.C. Moule has said that forbearance is “allowing for each other’s frailties and mistakes; aye, when they turn and wound you ‘in love,’ finding it easy to see with their eyes and if need be to take sides with them against yourselves!”

Are we freely granting allowances for our children, for our spouses, for our friends, for our coworkers, etc?  When someone is tired, do we give them grace when a hurtful word is spoken or do we hold it against them refusing to let it go?  When someone says something we perceive as hurtful, do we assume the best until we get clarification or do we assume the worst?

Complaining is natural especially when we feel pain, yet God calls us to more.  He calls us to live thankful lives.  I think of Kara Tippets who battled aggressive cancer openly through blogs, books, communal living, and much more.  She struggled openly, yet she asked God to help her put on thankfulness despite her horrendous circumstances.  As a result of putting on thankfulness and not allowing bitterness to sink in, she was a facilitator of change in many as she allowed God to use something so terrible for his glory.

Spewing bitterness is easy.  Speaking with compassion and kindness is not.  Just think how easy it is to mutilate a person not present with words by gossip.

Don't settle for easy fault finding.  By speaking with forbearance, gratitude, and compassion instead of judgement, complaint, and bitterness, we offer hope, forgiveness, and life to our hurting world.

My World's Not Falling Apart, It's Falling into Place

Falling flat on my face again and again in a two month period directly following the birth of our 5th child in a new town away from friends and family felt like more than I could bare- in fact it was.  My world as I knew it fell a part. My health fell a part and I was not able to do for myself or my family. At first it was a flu like fever virus that started the day after giving birth.  Then it was a severe uterine infection.  Then it was strep throat. Then it was allergies that got stuck in my sinuses and caused my ear drum to rupture.  Illness would not let up.  It just kept coming.  My children also became ill during this time- many sicker than they have ever been before. Some had strep and RSV and croup at the same time.  Even the baby got RSV,  but his case ended up being so extremely mild.  To say it was crazy is an understatement.  I remember lying in the bed many a mornings after waking not wanting to get out of bed because I did not want to face the day. I was utterly exhausted and it felt like the intensity would never let up.

The question I asked God time and time again is what am I suppose to learn through this.  What in the world are you doing? I also spoke very honestly begging him to ease the intensity of these trials yet he kept saying no as those trials kept coming. After weeks and weeks of praying the same prayer, my perspective started to change from despair into gratitude: "Thank you that I am simply dealing with sickness.  Thank you that I have children I get to take care of.   Thank you that I have a husband that is bearing the heavy burden of a job, ordination, and taking on most if not all of my responsibilities." 

Not only did my despair change into gratitude, but I also began to see how so many things in my life were out of order.  You want to know what is most important in your life? Look at your check book or credit card report. Where you spend your money is where your heart is.  Natural medicine, herbs, whole foods, essential oils is where I spend my money.  Without realizing it, slowly over time I began to believe that I could control my destiny- that I could actually fully control my health through a whole foods diet, rest, exercise, supplements, herbs, etc. While I may not have said it out loud, I thought I knew so much.  And then this perfectly healthy woman had to take 6 rounds of potent antibiotics in one short month due to a severe uterine infection and strep throat. It was through these trials that I began to repent and see the idol health had become for me.  I began to ask the Lord to put my interests of healthy living in the right place and to forgive me for thinking I could control so many things I quite frankly cannot.  I also thanked him for antibiotics as without them I would have lost my uterus or worse my life if the infection went untreated.  
As I spent many of these weeks on modified bed rest, I had ample time to think. I began to see how overwhelmed I was with my life and as a result how much time I wasted by checking out on social media or texting.  I began to see my little toddler girls take their fake cell phone with them everywhere- that was my wake up call. Monkey see.  Monkey do.  I also saw that I seemed to have an answer for everything.  I talk more than I listen.  Now, I am praying that I will listen more than I ever speak and that I will say "I do not know" way more.
While I was down, my husband began to make order out of chaos.  He made chore charts for the kids so that my load is eased and the kids develop even more by being given age appropriate responsibility.  He made schedules for the day- set outdoor time, set chore time, set reading time, set school work time, etc. He took on the responsibility of cooking a hot breakfast every morning so that I could get some personal time and not hit the ground running. He helped me set a schedule to my day and taught me to make lists instead of keeping everything in my head.  My husband's dying to self is producing life in me.
Looking back on late October through mid December,  my world was not falling apart, it was truly falling into place like the song "Held " describes by Casting Crowns. Many things were out of order in my life that I was completely blind to and it was only through being knocked flat on my face that I was able to see it.
As I look back on this season, I truly feel gratitude that the intensity has let up and we are healthy, but more importantly than that, I feel gratitude for all the Lord taught me.

Sometimes God writes a chapter in our story we would never choose

I prayed. I asked others to pray for no complications after birth.  God said no.  You see this was one of my fears and God saw it best for me to walk through that door.

Soon after labor, I developed low grade fever that eventually turned into a flu like virus making me very ill. That virus ended and I went straight into a uterine infection.  My fever at times spiked to 103.7.  Yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, I noticed stomach cramping that got worse and worse until around 10 am. At this point, I could not move due to the pain. I became delusional and spiked a fever of 103.  We called our midwife who was out preparing for Halloween with her family. She dropped all her stuff in the floor of the store and came immediately to me.  I was diagnosed with a uterine infection and administered fluids and 4 rounds of a potent antibiotics every 6 hours. I could  not walk nor move. I was in excruciating pain yet I knew I was in the best care possible with Lauren.  Lauren was also consulting a top doctor in Atlanta Ga who trained her.

Lauren comes with much experience.  You can read about her here:http://serendipitymidwifery.com/Meet_Our_Staff_2.html  She is extremely well rounded and practices evidence based medicine.  She is middle of the road....if a natural method is proven, she utilizes it. If a traditional medical method is proven, she uses it.  I love that.  She is a mix of natural and medical which this world needs more of. She listened as I cried about the idea of taking such potent antibiotics.  She talked about risks verses benefits and told me how serious my situation was.   I trusted her and told her to do whatever I needed.  She was by my side every 6 hours for an hour or more at a time talking me through any and everything and has been available by phone or text as needed.

Today, I am on the upswing I think.  I am hobbling to the bathroom and back now, which originally was impossible. I still have pain and am weak with fever controlled by Tylenol, but am so grateful to know what is going on and slowly but surely get better.  I am confined to my room on bed-rest, but hope to feel like a normal post par-tum woman by the weekend.

I don't know why all this happened, but I do know that I have a father that is o so good.  He was not surprised when I shook my fist out of fear. He was not surprised by my tears or anger at the lot I was dealt. I was reminded of his goodness and embraced it quicker than the last trial as he has given me much practice in dealing with trials.  I am learning to trust and rest in a father that is writing a beautiful story that I am only in the middle of.  I don't rest well nor trust well, but as the years go by, centimeter by centimeter I do trust and rest more- all evidence of his mighty work.  

As I have had time to reflect much the past week since I am incapable of doing anything on my own, I find myself reflecting often on love. I thought I knew what love was when I married my husband close to 12 years ago. Looking back I had no clue- no clue at all.  With each trial, I grow in admiration and respect and love for him.  His strength is mighty.  His tenderness and sacrifice is unending.  This past week he has been asked to do things that are beyond yucky yet he has stomached it and done it all.  That is a man and that is love.

We have been blown away by the love of our community near and far.  I have read every email and text even when unable to respond.  We have devoured every meal and listened to every message.

I have also thought much on those dealing with chronic illnesses and long physical suffering as I now have a tiny glimpse of what they go through.  It has been humbling, but needed.

So now, sick yet recovering, I choose to rest in His plan all the while asking continued protection of our new son.  Would you pray for our little one's health as he is not even a week old?  Would you pray for the Lord to continue to protect our newborn and me as my immune system is shot?  One of our son's is now running fever and feeling lousy.  My husband and my mother are handling it as I cannot.  We are all weary and this just seems like too much with our lack of sleep and one thing after another.  We are asking the Lord that this would not spread.

Freedom to be flawed

As I sit and await our newest Turner's entry into the world, much floods my mind.  To be honest, right now, it is my failures.  My many failures.  My fears.  My hopes.  The gaps between what I want to be and what I am.  Yet while those failures surface and seek to cause me to despair, a pivotal conversation I had this summer with a friend in the parking lot comes to mind washing my mind with truth and therefore hope.

I told this friend ashamedly how I love tasks way too much and many a times choose tasks over people. They are comfortable.  They don't talk back.  I can check them off my list.  I spoke honestly and freely because she is that kind of friend.  I told her I thought I should be so much further in this journey of life than I am.  I knew that I never would arrive this side of heaven, but shouldn't I have come a little farther than I am?  Shouldn't I be better at friendship and choosing people over tasks.  Shouldn't I know how to ask the right questions?   Shouldn't I delight over being on the floor with my kiddos much of the time?  Shouldn't people feel like delight more of the time than not since I was created for relationship?

She listened and said something to the extent of sometimes we "get it right" 80% of the time and sometimes 20% of the time.  It is all grace.  This is the very thing that will cause you time and time again to run to Jesus. She then sent me a book in the mail called Extravagant Grace.  It is excellent.

Since that conversation this summer, I am beginning to realize that my many failures are actually an opportunity for gratitude. Yes, gratitude because Christ's righteousness was given to me fully and completely, which means that God actually sees me as perfect at relationships because of Jesus. This truth is actually giving me freedom to relax about my inability to change myself.  It is making me desire to obey even more and ask the Lord to bring growth in this area of my life.  It is also causing me to give thanks because I see how my desire to fully embrace inconvenience and the mess of relationships is growing millimeter by millimeter.  I am aware of my struggle whereas in the past I was completely oblivious to it.  Hatred is growing toward my sin.  I love that Paul grants freedom through his words in Romans 7 to be alarmingly honest about our weakness because we can be radically confident of God's love for us.  Sanctification as historically articulated is 'the work of God's free grace, where He renews us in the image of God, and enables us to more and more die to sin, and live unto righteousness.'  I love that!  It means He is at work in us and that this work is continual throughout our entire life; however, it will never be perfect in this life.  It is not just 'getting better and better' and cleaning ourselves up so we look or act a certain way.  Growth in the christian faith is more about seeing how great our sin is yet how great our God is.  The more we grow in our relationship with the Lord the more we should realize how our every deed is tainted in sin. We should not be puffed up with pride because we see how sick our souls truly are.  We should be overcome with gratitude that we have a father who has promised to make us whole.  As God sanctifies us we are moved to hate our sin and love our neighbors not out of a heart to compare or make ourselves feel better, but from a heart that really is hurting for others.

Our culture hates Christians because of our self-righteousness.  What if we started being honest about our lives, our struggles, and looked first at the speck in our own eye before we condemn another?  We are just as flawed as the person we despise the most.  While we may have different sins and therefore suffer different consequences, we are no better than the worst person we imagine.  If we embrace these truths, maybe our culture would start to watch and maybe even ask us for the medicine it needs....the gospel...just as you and I need the gospel daily.

My Jumbled Up Heart Fully Known and Loved

So I sit here again being forced to look at my sin, my expectations both good and false, my hopes, my reality, and bring them before You for You to shed light on all these things so that I may possess understanding in dealing with my own heart and grace in the present situation.  The verse that strikes me is 1 Peter 5:6-7: "Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand so that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  Visually picturing this verse, I imagine myself as a fisherman taking a rod and placing all these many anxious thoughts on the hook and casting them out far from me to the Lord.  Thus, I must choose continually even as often as second by second to let my worries go and give them to the one that can handle them. 
Truth be told, all I see is a jumbled mess right now that wants to prove myself right as well as hold onto the old and not embrace the new. 
Lord, I want so desperately to handle this situation the way you teach us to in Ephesians 4:2-3 where it says to be humble and gentle and bearing with each other in love making EVERY effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.  And then in Ecclesiastes I am reminded that the end of the matter is better than the beginning and patience of spirit way better than haughtiness of spirit.  Lord, would you grant me these things?  Would you help me not put my trust in circumstances, knowledge, people, my illusion of control, but instead put my trust fully in you?  Would you help me believe that you are sovereign over all my circumstances and that nothing is out of your control? Would you help me rest?
Thank you that you fully know me, fully care for me, and fully love me right now as I am struggling.  Thank you that you are just as pleased with me when I struggle as you are in those rare moments when I think I am getting it right- for the Bible states clearly that even my best deeds are like filthy rags.  Nothing this side of heaven is void of sin's tainting.  Thank you that you promise to make my paths straight in Proverbs 3:6 and that in Isaiah 30:21 you remind me that you direct my steps as I take them. 

The Harsh Reality of Living in this World Gets the Best of Me Sometimes

Today I woke up feeling lousy yet again- tired and discouraged from life circumstances and personal struggles. My husband saw I needed a break and even though he had a ton on his plate he took the kids for a bit. When all was quiet, I realized my desperation and that desperation led me to seek my Lord and a stillness. Many a times, I run to busyness and tasks, but in the end, I am left worse off. This time I sat at the table after grabbing the two books I am reading Extravagant Grace by Barbara Dugard and Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Tim Lane and Paul Tripp and listened to a piano hymn mix. I read some, wrote some, prayed some, and even got to talk on the phone and finish my sentences along with completely hearing the other person with no interruptions...such a gift. While my cloud still loomed even after this chunk of time, I had some much needed perspective. So often I believe the lie, if God really cared for me, He would fix such and such and make life easy. As hard as it is to hear and swallow let alone choose to believe, difficulties are the marks of God's love for his children. He wants to change us through the difficulties. Through difficulties our weaknesses and shortcomings are revealed and we come to the end of ourselves. Only in coming to the end of ourselves do we reach out for God. So today, I choose to hold on to the hope of heaven when all will be right and struggle free, but for now, I must believe that He who began a work in me is working to bring it to completion on the day of Christ Jesus. In the meantime, I get to live in the middle of the process of sanctification where I experience struggle and victory, struggle and victory remembering that character is most shaped through hardship.

Many Women are Pretty, but Only Few are Beautiful

Many Women are Pretty, but Only Few are Beautiful....a phrase coined by my husband that rings in the ears of all of us in our household on a regular basis.

We love this phrase and never tire of hearing it.  We need to hear it for it is the voice of reason and truth in an upside down world.

Pretty women catch our eye.  They are physically attractive.  They are trim and fit, wear all the right clothes, and have the right hair styles and make-up.

Beautiful women may or may not be pretty, but they radiate from the inside out of true inner beauty.  They come in all forms, sizes, and personalities, but overall, one feels at rest in their presence. These women listen more than they offer advice.  They are generous of whatever talents they posses. Some may be generous with time; others make incredible meals and bring them at just the right time; others come snag you for a night out just because they know you need to get out of the house; others clean your house or take your kiddos so you can get a break while others do tasks that no one will ever see such as prayer or anonymous giving.

As a woman raising daughters and sons, I am overly aware of the lies of the culture regarding beauty and have believed them too much myself.  I spent a good majority of my years in high school so focused on outward appearance that I received the senior superlative of best dressed.  You know how I got this award? I spent hours upon hours paying attention to my outward appearance searching for the right outfits yet only wearing them a few times.  I ran tons and tons ending up with an injury knocking me out of college cross country.   My hair had to be just right- ALWAYS.   Thankfully, I wore myself out and saw the emptiness of my huge focus on outward appearance by early college. It was in early college that I began to understand the importance of inward beauty through mentorship and the circle of friends I ran with.

It was in college that I became an avid people watcher and question asker.  I love to learn and learn so much through people watching and question asking.  I have the privilege to see and talk to many older women. Many of these women are running up a steep incline to defer the aging process for they see aging as something  to avoid- something that is ugly.  Countless hours and dollars are spent attempting to dress and look like a young woman- something they are not....yet they feel this is the only choice.

While the culture screams at us that aging is terrible, the Bible reminds us that old age is a blessing from the Lord and not something we should be afraid of or feel we need to hide.  It can be a sign of wisdom and many life experiences.  Old age is a blessing way too many are robbed of due to death visiting their door way too young.

On the other-hand, I also get the rare treat to see and speak with a handful of women focusing first on their inner character over their outward appearance, and it is such a treat for it teaches me and reminds me what is really important.  I try to get time with these women as often as possible. I have even named my daughters after a few of these women.

Today, now close to 20 years out from high-school,  I continue to choose to fight the culture in how I define beauty and how I prioritize my time.  I fail more times that I succeed, but I truly do desire to grow in inner beauty by reading the Bible, praying (a wise woman said recently to me that prayer is the meat and potatoes of life...so true), and daily serving others before myself.

A question I ask myself to keep my motives in check regarding my physical appearance is: "Am I trying to dress or appear to get others to notice me or am I am trying to simply dress fashionably in a way that is modest and nice?"

Truth be told, the only head I ever want to turn is my husband's.  As women, if we are married or even if we are not, we do not need to dress in a way to turn heads, but we instead need to live our lives in a way that causes heads to turn toward Jesus.

Single women wanting to be married, you do not want to marry a man who values solely your physical appearance because it will fade with time even if you have surgery after surgery or procedure after procedure. You want a man that values who you are- your character and inner beauty way more than your outer appearance because that will only become more beautiful with time if you spend time developing it.   I remember o so well my second date with my husband.  He told me that he appreciated my modest attractive style and loved spending time with me.  I think I stood there flabbergasted eventually able to mutter a 'thank you' as I had never EVER had a man tell me that before.  If anything, I was generally complimented on my outer appearance.  Instead this man was affirming my character and not only noticed but appreciated the fact that I was trying to cover my body instead of flaunt it.  Once I got home from that date, I journaled....'I found the man I want to marry....Lord, please bring this to fruition.'  I felt at home with this man. He valued the real me.  Now, eleven years later and pregnant with number five, this man still makes me feel as if I am the most physically attractive woman in the world, yet he clearly values and appreciates my inner beauty way more.  He tells me I am more beautiful now than when he first met me.  If the world were to be the judge, my younger years would get the prize, but thankfully the world is not the judge!

Thriving and Managing During a 5 Year Season of Living Below the Poverty Line

5 years ago we stepped out in faith as my husband started a football program from scratch with the hopes of teaching young men how to be godly men.  We have an ache for fatherless children and see the damage being done when a father is not actively present in the home mentoring, enjoying, and disciplining his children. Fatherless children do not necessarily come from a single parent home. Fatherless children can come just as well from an intact home with a father who does not know how to mentor his children or defers his important role to the television or others.  This article http://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=16-05-024-v shows the utter importance of fathers faithfully attending worship and the impact this very act has on his children. This article was asked to determine whether a person's religion carried through to the next generation, and if so, why, or if not, why not.  The result is mind blowing.  There is one essential factor.  The religious practice of the father of the family that, above all, determines the future attendance at or absence from church of the children.   

Prior to this career change, we had two incomes.  We made the choice when we were first married in 2005 that we would always live solely off my husband's income putting mine directly into savings, which taught us well to make wise choices with each dollar we spent by deal shopping, doing it ourselves, buying used, and going without.  Without knowing it at the time, these years of learning discipline well prepared us for our season of little.  

We made the decision that with this move across states in 2011, I would stay home fully even though our income would be cut by more than half now landing us clearly below the poverty line with a then current family of four that quickly grew to six.  Up until this point, we had been saving so that our bucket of savings was prepared: car fund for repairs, emergency fund for the unexpected, unemployment fund in case we found ourselves without work, etc.

We also quickly made additional changes. At this point, we could no longer afford traditional insurance so switched to Samaritan Ministries for healthcare which provided excellent coverage for us for under $400 at the time which I detail here and here.  We also became proactive in treating and preventing illness as we no longer could afford to go to the doctor for every sniffle.  Overtime, we switched to seeing food as medicine and medicine as food saving us tons of money as we learned how to treat minor illnesses, etc. naturally and even prevent illnesses through eating the nutrients our body truly craves.  

Then blow after blow came.  I detail our story here, here and here  . The housing crash reduced our Florida home and investment Florida home to less than half of the original value leaving us no option but to short-sale both of them as they would not sell and were states away from my husband's current job.  We ended up loosing the 20% down-payments on both and all the investment money we had in them through fixing them up.  About the same time as our  homes short-saled, many of our possessions were destroyed through a flood in an inside storage unit at a family member's house.  These events combined brought me lower than low.  Also, what was supposed to be a few month stay at a family member's home turned into three long years due to the short-sales and our income being so low. 

During this season, we were so grateful to be at this family member's home but at the same time ached for our own home. We prayed.  We cried out. We knew we were starting from ground zero and the likelihood of finding a quality home for our price range was next to impossible.  In 2014, the bank approved us for way more than we believed we could afford.  We were committed to living below the means God had given us so that we could save for the unexpected and give freely.  As a result of that decision, we decided we would not buy anything over $70,000.  We boldly prayed and my husband did his due diligence to find a house that met these qualifications.  Eventually, he found one. This home was nothing that would catch your eye in a positive way.  Overgrown weeds and bushes towered all around the home and yard.  The home had been robbed of its wiring, the heating and cooling system, and was basically bare-boned.  We ended up buying it for less than $70,000 and began the process of bringing it to life.  It was a small house for our family of 6- less than 1400 square feet, but it was home, and we were so grateful to have a place to call our own. Resurrecting this home was no small job.  It fact, it was the bane of our existence for month after month yet eventually it became beautiful and our own.   

When I reflect on this season of little and hardship, I now see the grace and goodness of the Lord. If you could have been a fly on the wall during this season, you would have seen the realness of our humanity.  We cried many a nights.  We were stressed.  We wondered how it would all work out.  We were mad.   Yet, even in the midst of the hard, we knew deep down that God's hand was on all of this gently teaching us and loving us even though it rarely if ever felt that way.  While many might say what a tragedy,  we now clearly see the past five years as a season that shaped character into our lives and taught us many immeasurable truths we are just beginning to realize.  

We learned to give with little and that giving truly is better than receiving.  

We learned that it is the people that make a home and not the stuff.  

We learned how materialistic we were and began to see the Lord strip us of this idol.  

We learned the fun of deal shopping.  

We learned to pray for any and everything even something like finding deals in a store.  

We learned how entitled we were and began to see the Lord shape contentment within us. 

We learned to cook some amazing meals (way cheaper than going out)....my husband can make some killer fish and I expanded my skills in all areas of cooking.
We learned to laugh in hard....my husband is way better at this than me!  

So how did we do it? 

I detail this here.  

We had many practical heroes that God provided. My parents helped in so many ways that it would take a book to fill.  They painted, watched our children time and time again, offered a listening ear, and so much more.  Aunt Catherine and Uncle Chris walked us through the devastation of our short-sales providing much wisdom.  Mark Wells counseled us as we bought a new home. My father and mother in law helped immensely as well.  My grandmother opened her home for three years while we waited to find a home.  Ben Creasman came alongside my husband giving up tons of time and energy to help restore the house.  Bob Brockett came up from Florida to put a fence in with Chad and a few of the other football coaches.  Mary Collins, Linda Weaver, and Dr. Case Adams were teachers of healthy living forever changing the trajectory of our lives.  Brooke and Clay Woody came alongside us to teach how to manage a family and coached me in schooling our kiddos.  There were so many others as well that gave of their time to paint, tear up old floors, etc.

During this season, I quickly learned good prices for items and would stock up when an item went on sale. Our deep freezer was such a friend!
My favorite stores: 

Aldi and Trader Joe's

Ingles (mark down meat and produce before it gets near it's sale by date allowing me to buy high quality meat and produce)

Sidewalk sale and Deal Mart- scratch and dent salvage stores 

Zaycon and Azure Standard (bulk buys that you get from the back of a truck) 

Goodwill, consignment stores, hand me downs

Trilight Herbs, Mountain Meadow Herbs, Swansons, Mountain Rose Herbs, Thrive....I would wait for a huge sale and buy in bulk 

We also learned many new trades.  

My husband learned to be a handy man in pretty much any area by spotting and/or consulting others.  

I learned to make my own tea, herbal medicines, bone broths, and garden.  

In summary, when I think about the brevity of life and when all is said and done, the image of a book comes to mind.  The only books worth reading are the books you cannot put down.  Page turning books offer adventure, hardship, recovery, and change at every corner.  When I think of some heros of the faith such as Blaise Pascal, John Knox, Martin Luther, Elizabeth Elliot, Mead McElveen, Michelle Beckman, Adam Jones, Ray Cortese, and Kara Tippets, I think of lives well lived- great page turning books.  Their lives are/were not filled with ease, but rather adventure after adventure, hardship after hardship, a pouring out after pouring out.  

The American dream is a lie!  For it is the emptying of the self that is a life well lived and brings true satisfaction and joy not the accumulation of stuff and the building up of one's self. 

In reality our season of little was actually a season of plenty when we look at it through the eyes of eternity.  

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Life is messy.  Life is cyclical.  Sometimes there is chaos and a lot of it all at once.  Sometimes there is calm and ease.  Truth be told.  We need both.  I hate to say it, but it's true.

We had a day like this last week.  It was crazy.  Our dog was injured in a dog fight rending her in need of much care, staples, and medicine.   We found out we lost the contract on what we hoped to be our new home due to our current house closing late adding much stress to an already stressful move (moving is stressful no matter what way you look at it!).  I got a ticket on the way to find out the likelyhood of us receiving help in an insurance claim for one of our children was slim to none unless I pleaded, begged, and figured out a way to communicate more clearly the need of this request.  All to say, I related to the book  Alexander and the Terible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.

It was one of those days where I received the smiles, listening ear, and care from my family and many strangers as I just could not hold back the tears.  Those tears flowed at every stop: the vet, the well visit, and to the policeman. I learned a very important lesson that day.  A smile, a listening ear, an email or text with encouraging words is such a great gift.  It is the simple things...it truly is.  It can change dispair into hope.

And then later in the day when all my tears were cried, perspective came.  I read of a family burying a baby that should still be in the womb.  I read of another mother who is pregnant moving to the Congo to love on others and share the hope of Christ in an area we would hardly deem safe.

I reflected on the ways God is providing and taking care of us and asked him to give me faith and to forgive me for not trusting him when the waves comes.  I realized again how I am just like Peter in the situation where he walked on water.  When Peter saw the wind and waves, he panicked and began to sink.  Jesus rebuked him saying 'you of little faith, why do you doubt?'  And then I thought about the gospel.  Life is repentance and faith, repentance and faith NOT perfection and arrival, perfection and arrival.  So I repented and asked God to help me believe He will work all these things out in the way He sees best.

Am I struggling?  Yes.  It comes and goes, but thankfully as a Christian I am free to struggle...praise be to God I don't have to be perfect or get it right!  I keep asking God to help me live well in the uncertainty and mess of life and to trust not in what I see or the outcome but in Him... for life truly is about the about the process not the arrival.

Habitual Destructive Routine Halted for the Moment

Worrying is one of my most habitual routines.  I can truly worry about anything and everything and I hate it.  I want to just stop it and be free of fear so badly.  Yet, instead of running to quiet and the Bible, I most often run to research to figure it out, social media to check out, or cleaning or tasks to make me feel accomplished. 


Today, I ran to the Word, and while it did not fix me, it left me 100% renewed.  It fed my hungry soul.  I devoured the verses and let truth penetrate to the deepest places.  I was desperate.  I read verses over and over and begged God to let them change me, to rid me of fear, and to forgive me for going everywhere but Him to find rest.  You see when I have a hurried heart, I hurt those in my path through words or my absence.   While I am present in body, I am severely checked out.  Hurt people truly do hurt people.  


As a mom and wife, I find myself in one of two familiar places: utter dependence where I desperately seek Him out or utter self reliance where I think I can handle things due to my knowledge, experience, etc.  The first of which breeds prayer because I rest in the providence and sovereignty of God; the second of which breeds a disengaged anxious woman because I live as if it is all up to me.
 
Our world is a fearful place.  Media and culture promote fear.  Instead of stories of hope and love, our media is drawn time and time again to stories of tragedy, violence, and the brokenness of our world.   While tragedy abounds, we so often forget to focus on truth.  Jesus is making all things new; He is able to bring good out of the worst bad.  He is redeeming this broken lost world.   One day He will wipe away every tear.   He alone is the answer to our problems.  Programs, more money, morals, the 'right' president....none of this will fix our broken world.  Job 12:22 says, "He makes nations great, and destroys them; he enlarges nations, and disperses them." America is great not because of our mighty army or the way we give out money we do not have like we are God or our intelligence or any other reason.  America is a powerful nation currently only because God sustains it and established it. 


Today I originally chose to focus on my most favorite passage- Psalm 139.  I have loved this passage since high school when I first discovered it.  I find so much comfort in the fact that I am fully known by my creator.  I love that he knows my thoughts before I think them and that He knows all my ways.  He fully knows me and understands me...even I cannot say that about myself.  I struggle to understand and sort my many desires and moods!  Not only does he know me but He was so intimately involved in my making....it says He knit me together in my mother's womb...that is no passive role, y'all!  The verse that caused me to pause and camp out and read aloud over and over again was Psalm 139:16 which reads "all the days were ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  I then went to Luke 12:29 &30 which reads "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"  Lastly on this topic, I went to Acts 17: 26  where it says "and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live." As we are currently in season of much change, I cannot deny the sovereignty and predestination of all the events of my life past, present, and future. 


I then went on to focus on what the bible has to say about suffering and camped out in John 9 where Jesus' disciples question Jesus about the reason a man was born blind.  "...Rabbi, who sinned, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed."  Here the Jews just like Job's friends, and many of us- myself included, held a terribly wrong view about the cause of suffering.  They believed that this specific suffering was solely because of a specific sin.  Jesus disbanded these theories here saying it was for the glory of God.  Some of our sufferings, like those of Job and this man, are meant to display the glory of God either through our patient endurance or through a spectacular healing.


Jesus's dismissal here does not negate that in other situations, there may be other causes of suffering. Other trials in our lives may be ordained by God as punishments for a specific sin such as in the life of David after he committed adultery and murder.  There is also original sin. As a result of original sin all of us experience suffering which is a direct result of the fall. 


Thanks to my husband taking the kids to the park, I am able to write and be refreshed.  I am able to document truths that I need to chew on constantly.  While truth frees and uplifts, it must be a continual chewing.  While God is fully capable of taking away my worry forever, most likely he will allow me to struggle as it is what keeps me needing Him. 

Another Day Closer to Dying

I had my evening planned out.   Kids in bed early.  Time to get lots done.  Not how my evening went at all. 


Our seven year old was quite chatty tonight.   I have learned through many missed opportunities and closed doors to listen when a child wants to talk, so I made a choice tonight to listen.  I heard about silly things.  I heard about struggles.  I also heard about dreams.  As he got into bed, he said,  "Mom, today you are another day closer to dying."   I was taken a back by his morbid statement, and said, yes, you are right- that is one way to look at it.  I did not have the energy to dive into his comment and he seemed interested only to state it before drifting off to sleep.  To be honest, I don't know where that thought originated in my son's mind, but it has lingered in mine through the last hours.   


For one, I sabotaged an evening I could have blessed.  My husband walks in the door tired not only from his work, but also tired from coaching our sons' football league, and I let him have it because he picks up a snack on the way home.  Yes, I know it is ridiculous.  I was mad he got a snack because I made this nice dinner.  As I write, I cringe at my actions.  How silly and pathetic.  Nonetheless, I do this time and time again. 


Secondly, I have recently been convicted about how much time I spend investing in the temporary body.  I work so hard to take care of the earthly body- reading, researching, and doing that I am quick to forgo nourishing my eternal soul.


Thirdly, I see my parenting shortcomings.  I see the ways I lack in patience and kindness and a whole host of others qualities.


In my innermost being I want to live this life well.   I want to love large.  I want to repent large.  Yet, I constantly fall short and do the very thing I don't want to do....I relate to Paul's words completely.   Praise God it is not about getting it right or arriving- Jesus did that for me.  Whew! 


Tonight as I chew on my son's words, I remember how short this life truly is, so I spend time dreaming of heaven- a place where all is made right and we are with Him- the one our souls' crave.  My perspective is right for the moment.  I imagine a blank slate. Tomorrow I am given the opportunity to live as if it is my first day.  Because of Jesus, I get a fresh start.  His mercies are new each and every morning!  Praise be to our God.

Undone

Today I became undone looking at the character flaws, sin bents, and weaknesses in my children.  After an incidence this morning, I went from cheerful to solemn to angry in a matter of moments.  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I heard the voices- you must coach your child right, you must model right, you must have the right counselors- and for too many moments I believed the lies.  I thought about my own struggles and how I cannot seem to get on top of them.  I thought about how absolutely exhausted I am of saying sorry for the same thing 100x a day.  How in the world am I going to help my children with their struggles when I cannot personally get it right? 

And then.... I heard the still small voice of the Holy Spirit bring scripture to mind and remind me to stop working so hard.  Stop striving.  Just flat out stop it. 

You know why I need to stop it?   Because I don't have to get it right.  For one, Jesus did that for me.  He lived the perfect life that I am incapable of living.  He traded his perfect record for my ragged record, so that when God sees me, he sees perfection because of Jesus.  Secondly, the battle for my heart or anyone else's heart is never met through striving.  It is met through prayer.  Lastly, Jesus is the one who sanctifies- not me or anyone else.  Sanctification is a lifelong process.  Philippians 1:6 tells us that He who began a good work in us will finish it and bring it to completion. 

One of the passages that I reflected on today was Luke 10 - Jesus' rebuke to Martha.  As I reflected on that passage, I saw myself.  I get caught up in all sorts of preparations and busyness.  I want to make sure my kiddos have a clean house, clean clothes, extracurricular activities, friendships, healthy meals, a superb education, etc.  As I do, do, do, I often forget to just enjoy them.  I also forget that my biggest role is to fight for their hearts through prayer.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (I Peter 5:8).
 

She Did Not Get The Memo

Watching a child struggle to do something I do so naturally is hard. 

Our oldest children picked up language and talked naturally without me even trying to elicit words from them.  When our third child was saying only a couple words at 18 months, my mama alarm went off.   We set a time limit to see if she would progress on her own, and if not, we would seek outside help.  By age two there seemed to be little to no progress, so outside help we sought.  We talked with the pediatrician and decided to pursue speech therapy soon after her 2nd birthday if there were no improvements.  Our state has a program open for all under the age of three that is not income based that helps children be paired with specific services pertaining to his/her developmental delay.  We saw this program as God's provision for us.  Their standard is to screen a child seeking services in all areas to see if further testing is needed.  She passed all with the exception of speech.  They discovered totally normal receptive language, but extremely delayed expressive language.

Through this state program, she received private speech therapy in our home once a week as well as a meeting once a week with her early interventionist.  She has been in this program for 9 months and has gone from extremely delayed to moderately delayed and we rejoice.  We have seen such marked improvement.  Our child is forming words and combining words.  She has come far, but still has far to go.  In less than two weeks, she ages out of this program. 

Recently, I had a meeting with Childfind.  They make sure children receive help in whatever area they are lacking through the public school system.  Here, the meeting focused on my child's brokenness, not her progress and not her story.  That was the purpose- her delay.  I should have known that.  Nonetheless, this meeting was hard for many reasons. 

You see I had hoped and prayed that this chapter of her life would be short-lived and over by age 3.  God did not answer that prayer 'yes' as I hoped and asked.

Now, I am left once more with questions.  Do we go the public route where we don't pay?  Is this God's provision for her?  Do we go the private route and pay out of pocket since our insurance does not cover developmental delays?  What if she is able to get all she needs through the public route?  Are we making a mountain out of a mole hill?

I feel overwhelmed with figuring this out and quickly forget that my primary job is to pray as acting right now would be foolish as I truly can say I don't know what is best.  In my heart of hearts, I want so badly for God to provide for the private route so she can stay with her current teacher we love, but this is expensive.  I am asking God to lead us and provide what he sees best.  I am thankful I have a husband that also prays and seeks what is best and balances me out well. 

As my thoughts race this afternoon, and I am tempted to ponder every 'what if' that comes to my mind and ultimately figure this out on my own, I am drawn to Isaiah 30:15: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..."  I am also drawn to a favorite passage of mine since I first heard it in my high school days- Psalm 39.  This psalm is ultimately a complaint of an individual who has called on God to eradicate his invalid charges and destroy his enemies.  The psalmist first focuses on the character of God before uttering his plea at the end.  I related to the psalmist because he is writing at a place of distress.  To say he is struggling is an understatement.  The psalmist explores God's deep wisdom to comfort himself.  He evidences God's sovereignty over and over. 

As I personally reflect on this passage, I am drawn to the fact that God is all knowing and knows his creation intimately and completely.  My thoughts are not private- he knows them before I speak them.  Thus, even when I cannot articulate my questions and my thoughts- He knows them and gets me....what comfort that brings!  He sets limits to my actions as evidenced in verse 5.  I cannot sabotage something he has ordained.  He has laid his hand upon me and guides me.  I do not act alone! He is present throughout all creation- nowhere can I go without him also there.  Wherever I am, he will guide me.  He intimately made me in my mother's womb.  He wove me...he wove you- sit back and picture God weaving you!  This is not a passive role! And he calls his creation wonderful!  All life is wonderful despite what anyone else says.  This is truth.  He also ordained all my days and yours- nothing happens by accident.  What comfort these words are.  This is truth, my friend.  This is truth.

So for now, I will pray and ask him to bring wise counselors and lead us as a couple together.  I will not focus on the lies that scream I should have done this and that and then I would not even be in this boat.  God's got this.  I don't have to figure it out.  As for our daughter, I should take lesson from her as she did not get the memo that says 'expressive language delay'.  She is too young to understand that label.  She simply goes about life playing and trusting us (well most of the time- she has a will like an ox!) to give her what she needs since we are her parents.  I want to have that childlike faith in God as I encounter challenges knowing he will ultimately lead us and direct us as his word says. 

Quit that!

You know that thing called spiraling- well, yep, I did it again.   Spiraling is a term I use when I loose my peace and anxiety sets in.  Today at an appointment, I was faced with the fact that I have many decisions to make in the next couple weeks that quite frankly feel huge to me.  There are limited resources and as of now many roads I could take.  Truth be told, I wanted this season done.  I did not want to be here.  I wanted it checked off my list, but providence has it that I am here. 

Kara Tipetts, a woman who transparently battled cancer and now resides in heaven, taught me so much through her life example and her writings to fight for peace for as long as it takes.  So, this time as soon as I got the kiddos in bed I made a choice to apply Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  I ran to silence, piano hymn music, and my bible to regain my peace.   It took a while, but it came.  I took out my pen and wrote down verses that I will read when the temptation to spiral comes again as I know it will.  I also reached out to a listening ear to just vent and talk through my thoughts.  Thankful for my mama!

One verse that stood out tonight causing me to sit and chew on it again and again was 2 Corinthians 5:9-11: "So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.  For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due to him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. Since then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade men."

Though I don't have to please God for salvation because Jesus did that by trading his flawless record for my ragged record, I am to seek to please him because he tells me to in his word.  His word makes plain how I am to please him.  John 14:15 says "If you love me, you will keep my commandments." To truly prove this love, I must not merely utter the words out of my mouth, but live them out in obedience.  It is so easy to say something and quite another to put my words to action. 1 John 5:3 says, "In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome..." So somehow when God says in his word not to worry (Matthew 6:34), he knows what he is talking about and I am to trust him to make my paths straight.  At the same time, he knows my human nature is quick to worry, and he is okay with that.  In fact, he does not expect perfection at all.  He just wants me to make moment by moment decisions to trust him and obey him, and when I don't, to repent quickly. 

Toward the end of this passage, 2 Corinthians 5:9, degrees of reward in heaven are clearly taught.  Though myself and all believers are forgiven and will never suffer the ultimate punishment of hell thanks to Jesus dying on the cross and giving us his perfect record, every Christian will stand before God at the day of judgement and be held accountable for what we did both good and bad. 

This verse created a healthy 'fear' in me tonight-  a reverent, godly fear.  To fear the Lord in this verse doesn't mean to be afraid of him because he is mean or to be afraid of eternal condemnation.  In fact, it means quite the opposite.  It means to possess a healthy, reverent fear of Christ's displeasure at the choices we make while here on earth.   My prayer tonight is that I will trust him in my moments, repent quickly, and love well- both God and others.  John 13:34-35 tells me to love others as I have been loved and by doing this others will know I am his.  I mean, ya'll, when I really think about God's radical love, I am overcome with gratitude...Jesus came down from heaven and became man and then suffered and died. Why?  So we could be rescued and with him for all eternity.  That is the example he set for us to follow....to die to ourselves, our conveniences, and our wants and love well others.   

So to end the night, I will scheme how I can bless a family and make them smile in our town that is hurting.  Giving truly is better than receiving and is the best medicine for my soul. 

How are you struggling?  What steps can you take to regain your peace?  Who is hurting in your community that you can bring relief to through a meal, a letter, an anonymous gift card, a visit?

Lord, help me NOT....

I do this often.  I ride the waves.  The what ifs, the mess, and  the processes of life sometime scream so loudly I cannot even find my baring.  I so easily become undone at anything that threatens my security, my comfort, my pride, or my rightness.  I loose my peace and become a frantic mess which causes me to become extremely irritable and run to tasks.  I especially love tasks when I am anxious or life is hard.  I become like a machine because it is easy.  It numbs me.  My tasks don't talk and don't need anything.  I can control them, and I can be productive producing an impressive product.  In my before kid days, this looked like a spectacular spotless home and a well kept body both fashion wise and fitness wise.  My husband would joke when he walked into a perfectly detailed home that I must have had a bad day.   A story we laugh at now concerns a time when our oldest was a wee baby and I was only five weeks postpartum.  It perfectly illustrates how I chose to ride the wave that night.  Our oldest refused to sleep long stretches as he was colicky- not his fault at all- but I had had it that night.  I was a sleep deprived mess who wanted so badly to control something I could not control, so I ran to exercise.  I put him in his crib and ran out the front door shoeless as fast as I could so my husband could not convince me to stay.  I ran all the way around the neighborhood.  Mind you I had just had an epidural injury and could not walk well at this point pre therapy- one leg would fall behind the other in stride, so this was a crazy venture of mine.  Thankfully, this occurred at night when most people were sleeping otherwise they might have thought I'd lost my mind!  I should have run to quietness and the scriptures or sat down with my husband to vent or tea with a friend; however, that was not the route I chose.  Through my moment by moment choices and actions, I insisted that I could do it.   While this story is laughable, riding the waves was my normal and still will be if I don't make a moment by moment choice. 

Being in Christian circles, I am o so familiar with the lines and have said them all frequently even....you need to fill your mind with scripture....denounce the lies....believe the truth.  Those are all great phrases, but what the heck does that look like practically?  I am a kinesthetic learner.  Telling me does not work!  You have to show me authentic living!


It was not until just recently while reading Kara Tippitt's blog Mundane Faithfulness that the penny finally dropped for me.  I finally saw a picture painted of someone making a moment by moment choice not to ride the waves.  She had every reason to have a meltdown or stay angry or throw in the towel.  She was dying- her very life being stripped from her in her late 30's.  She had a wonderful husband and four young kids, yet she chose to say no to those waves.  Did she do this perfectly?  No, but more times that not, she made a choice- a hard choice- not to ride them.  Did she become undone?  Of course, she did; but she fought not to let circumstances, the what ifs, etc. define her moments.  She fought for peace by asking for others to pray for her in her hardest moments.  She ran to scripture and sat there as long as it took.  She met with God each morning walking when she was able and meditating. Through her moment by moment faithfulness and quick repentance, God used Kara to teach many about fighting for peace, living in community, and living with kindness.  I am just one of the many she impacted and I never even met her.  Through her posts, I have had so many 'ah ha' moments.  The word gratitude does not do justice to my thankfulness for the way she lived her life- vulnerable and open. 


So what does choosing to rest look like- not riding those waves?  I must first recognize it, then stop and ask God to show me truth.  I must make a choice NOT to run to tasks or blogs or social media.  If I cannot regain my peace, I must ask my husband or friends to pray for me.  This can look like a quick phone call or email or message of authentic rawness.  I must run to the Bible and fill my mind with scriptures pertaining to the issue stealing my joy and then read that scripture 1,000 times if needed for as many days or years the issue comes up- whatever it takes until the truth replaces the lie(s).  When I choose not to deal with whatever is seeking to undo me, havoc is wreaked as I end up hurting others through impatience, unkind words, etc. Stuffing never works.  Hurt people truly hurt people.  I am thankful that God has pealed off another layer of the onion in my life and know that He will bring His work to completion.  By God's grace I will say more times that not, "No, I won't ride that wave!" and when I don't, I pray I will repent quickly. 


Ephesians 4:14-15 speaks well to this issue. "Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."